Socialist Watcher

So by now many humanitarian folks will have decided to be at the anti-war demo in London on Saturday. We all need to find active ways to withdraw our consent from the excesses of governments, but aren't these marches boring? Walking slowly through streets, politely reigned in by police so we cause no real disruption as we go to a rally where we can hear a bunch of people tell us why we're there. For fuck's sake we know why we're there, otherwise we wouldn't be there to hear them tell us!

Saturday promises to be a broad coalition of political affiliations, and as well as individuals and mainstream parties, we can expect to see many commie, red and pinko groups coming out of the political woodwork. So to make it more interesting, here's a game of I-Spy.

See, the thing with radicals is they love endless bickering among themselves about things that are incomprehensible to anyone outside the clique.

For instance, the Communist Party of Great Britain has split acrimoniously into two organisations with the same name (neither of them to be confused with the Communist Party of Britain, of course).

Away from the more authoritarian radicals, the two guys who ran Green Anarchist magazine have fallen out and now both publish two different magazines, both called Green Anarchist, each denouncing the other for reasons none of us out here can grasp.

The capitalists can get their shit together enough to be out of bed by 9am every day and find ways to organise things as big as multinational corporations. The workers can only manage one of these things, the anarchists neither of them. Frankly, perhaps the capitalists deserve to be running the world.

Anyway, here are some red factions and hallmarks. There's no anarchist ones because anarchist factions eschew party loyalty and so don't carry banners with their names on. Even if they did you'd never see more than one banner in the same place cos most "different" anarchist groups are actually the same 40 or so people, just in different meetings.

Score points, tally them up and see who gets the most. The winner gets life membership of the Judean People's Front.

Socialist Alliance Low score due to the fact that these buggers are everywhere; anyone'd think they were turning into a cohesive organisation or something.		(1)
Socialist Workers Party These buggers just appear to be everywhere, thanks to owning a printing press for placards.		(1)
Socialist Women		(15)
Socialist Outlook		(40)
Socialist Party		(5)
Socialist Party Youth League		(8)
Socialist Appeal Gotta love that, 'appeal', such a desperate air of pleading and 'we're not dull, honest'.		(25)
Socialist Youth Movement		(15)
Marxist Party		(30)
International Socialist Revolution		(30)
Spartacist League Jesus, what do these guys want? Us all to be more spartan? Or to move to Sparta?		(25)
Living Marxism		(6)
International Bolshevik Tendency Great name, not a party or a movement, just a bit of a tendency. 'Bolshevik tendency', a paradox as good as video boxes that warn of 'mild horror'.		(35)
Fight Racism Fight Imperialism		(5)
Scottish Socialist Party		(8)
Revolutionary Communist Group		(10)
International Communism		(20)
Communist Youth League		(15)
International Communist Current Well, if every other lot have had 'party' and 'movement', you gotta come up with something. Not to be confused with an international communist currant.		(25)
Communist Party of Great Britain Either one will do; treble your points if you see both CPGBs having a scrap.		(10)
Communist Party of Britain		(15)
Workers Power		(5)
Workers Hammer Do you reckon there was an acrimonious split and somewhere there's a group called Workers Sickle?		(15)
Workers Vanguard		(20)
Workers Liberty		(25)

Bonuses:

Slogans

These are great for vanguards of the revolution - get everyone to repeat exactly what you dictate, reduce complex ideologies into less than ten words and, hey, show your creative side by making it rhyme. Good obedient proles are what every would-be authoritarian needs. Slogans mean not having to deal with anyone thinking for themselves or using baffling multisyllable words. Simple worldview, simple expression, everything in its place.

Slogan whose first four words are 'one, two, three, four' This would usually score higher, but as 'four' rhymes with 'war', it's just too obvious.		(1)
Slogan ending in 'we say fight back' This would usually be less points, but this is an unlikely line on an anti-war demo. Still, old habits die hard so you never know. Oh, and treble your points if you can subvert this one to 'we say hijack'.		(10)
Slogan blaming a whole war on one individual alone Quintuple points if it's blamed on someone other than George Bush or Tony Blair.		(3)

Donkey Jackets

Once upon a time this was the universal manual workers outergarment worn by everyone from miners to street sweepers. And, as all good reds know, manual workers are the real workers, the rest aren't as cool. However, since the introduction of fluorescent tops it's no longer actually a worker's jacket. Still, there are some old school socialist style gurus who stand proud as the sartorial memory of the movement.

Each donkey jacket

(8)

Megaphone / Loud Hailer

Most Party activists secretly fancy themselves as the vanguard of an authoritarian revolution, so what better piece of kit than a device that makes you sound like the commandant of a Soviet forced labour camp?

Each megaphone in use

(10)

It's difficult to hear a lot of what's said on these things (but that's not the point, the point is for the user to feel like everyone has to listen to them). If you can discern what's being said, you can earn extra points.

Every mention of Thatcher or Thatcherism		(5)
Every 'Saddam Hussein's quite nice, really' apologist speech		(10)
Every 'the Taliban were quite nice, really' apologist speech		(20)

And your score is...

Much of this I-Spy thing was plagiarised from issue 10 of Morgenmuffel, the finest zine on earth.
Morgenmuffel, PO Box 74, Brighton BN1 4ZQ